Wayfaring MD: Missionary Physician
I like to highlight the hilarious in medicine as I write about patients, medical school, residency, medical missions, and whatever else strikes my fancy. Oh yeah, and I like to use GIFs!
Disclaimer:
HIPAA is for reals, folks. All of my "patient stories" have been changed to protect patient privacy. I will change any or all identifiers, including age, location, race/ethnicity, sex, medical history, and quotes.
colonoscopy victim patient after his first hit of Versed.
from a patient of my Best Good Friend.
I’m sorry, but how did your cousin come about seeing your stool? Was there a “hey, come look at this” moment? Or was the cousin present for the passing of said stool? I’m not sure which is worse.
- In the ICU, placing a Foley catheter on a young adult with a femur fracture:
- Resident: Wiggle your toes, it helps....wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle!
- Student: I've got a 5 day old baby boy here with subjective fever.
- Attending: Does the baby look sick? How's the physical exam?
- Student: No, he looks totally fine. His temp right now is 98.2.
- Attending: Mmmmhmmm, too many clothes.
- Student: Seriously?
- Attending: mmmhmmmm. It's 89 degrees outside! He doesn't need 2 fleece blankets and footie pajamas! Tell mama to let the baby have some nekkid time.
- Me: So tell me about this breathing problem you've been having.
- Verybright7yokid: Hmm, sometimes I get this triangle feeling in my throat.
- Me: a triangle.......feeling......
- Kid: Yeah. It blocks my throat sometimes and I can't breathe for a second. But it only lasts a second or two.
- Me: Mmmkay.... I'm going to have to phone a friend on this one.
The following is a conversation with a parent of an infant…
Me: Is the baby breast or bottle fed?
Dad: **long pause** 
Uuuhh…bottle I guess.
Me: And what kind of formula is she on?
Dad: **pause again**
Me: **finding bottle of formula. No can, no label, just an already made bottle** Ok, how about Goodstart? That’s a common one. Does that name ring a bell?
Dad: Oh, yeah, that’s it.
Me: Ok, how much formula does the baby take at once? And how often do you feed her?
Dad: 
**blank stare with bloodshot eyes** We feed her when she gets hungry.
Me: 
. Well it says in her chart that she had some feeding difficulties when she was first born. How is that going now? Is she spitting up a lot?
Dad: 
Me: (In my head) 
Ok, excuse me, I’ll be back in a few minutes. **goes and finds attending** Dr. Y, this is a 4 week old infant here for her one month health check. Her physical exam is fine, but I’m pretty sure dad is high.
Dr. Y: 
**Dr. Y goes in, starts talking to dad.** Daddy, you look like you had a hard night. You look tired. Are you ok?
Dad: 
Dr Y to me: 
For the rest of the day, I had this mess playing in my head:
6yokid: I used to have problems with my throat back in the day, but not anymore.
Me: Back in the day? When was that?
6yokid: Like when I was 5.
- Me: so, 15 year old girl, are you sexually active?
- 15yog: you know, I have my moments.
Your child has Marfan Syndrome.
He has a bar and metal plate in his chest.
He has an artificial heart valve.
He JUST had surgery to repair his damaged, leaky lungs.
He breathes like an 80 year old emphysema patient.
And yet you bring him in for a follow up reeking of cigarette smoke?
REALLY?
I totally understand screwing up your own health. That’s cool. According to the great philosopher Bobby Brown, that’s your prerogative. (Although judging by the fairly significant digital clubbing you got going on, it’s probably in your best interest to put down the cancer sticks.)
But your kid is sick, ma’am. Why would you consciously make breathing even more difficult for him than it already is?
Come on, give it up. For his sake.
Patient.
Potay-to, potah-to.
Elderly patient with terrible arthritis
demented (and German) patient.
from an elderly patient recently.
Life Alert buttons are great, folks. Falls can easily be fatal for the elderlies. I’m always happy to see people in the clinic who are wearing their buttons.
