Attending: Which one is Mr. B again?
Wayfaring: The one who’s using the dead neighbor’s oxygen.
Attending: You know, I picture 2 shotgun houses about 10 feet apart with a really long tube running out the window from one to another so he can steal the O2.
Wayfaring: I pictured more of a Misery type situation. You know, neighbor imprisoned in a small room in the house so they can collect the neighbor’s O2 and social security checks.
Or maybe the neighbor was already a few days dead and was on the floor starting to decompose and they went and pried the nasal cannula off his face and then stole it….
Attending: Wow Wayfaring, you have an unexpectedly dark mind.
Intern presenting new patient: Mr. B is on 2L of oxygen all the time at home.
Attending: I thought you said he didn’t have a doctor. Who got his O2 for him?
Intern: Oh he stole it from his dead neighbor.
Wayfaring: Was the neighbor dead before or after he stole it?
Med student presenting patient: This is a 76 year old female with a history of what looks like recurrent vaginal shingles…
Resident: wait, that’s just herpes, right?
Patient: Ooh, have I lost any weight since last time? I’m on a new diet!
Me: Really, what have you been eating?
Me: *holding in laugh* Well, let me check your weight…. No ma’am, actually, you’ve gained 3 pounds.
At that point I just wanted to say,
Ms. V. Slim: I keep getting sinus infections. It’s probably because I smoke.
Me: You’re probably right. You need to give up that stuff anyway, you know.
Ms. V. Slim: I know, I’m trying to quit. And when I do smoke, I blow the smoke up above my head.
Me: **puzzled look**Ms. V. Slim: You know, because the smoke rises. That way I don’t breathe it into my nose and it can’t get to my sinuses.
ED attending: Hey [Dr. Urologist]. I’ve got a guy here who crushed up viagra and injected it into his penis. He’s had an erection for over 24 hours. Will you come see him?
Urologist: Aww hell.
Patient after being informed that his insulin dose was being increased.
Patient: I got Sometimers disease.
Wayfaring: What’s that now?
Patient: Cuz I forget stuff sometimes so I’ve got Sometimers, not Allthetimers.
you’ll just have to picture in your head the scene I saw in the ER recently. The ER doc kept saying, “I wish I could take a picture…for the chart, you know"…
Overdose patient who was:
Oh wait, let me give you a visual:
Doc: Do you take blood pressure medicine?
Patient: Only when my sister is in town visiting.
Because fibromyalgia just wasn’t enough.
Keep a watch also on the faults of the patients, which often make them lie about the taking of things prescribed. -Hippocrates
When discussing medication adherence with patients with chronic diseases (especially diabetes and HIV), I always ask “How often do you miss your meds” rather than “are you taking your medicine ok?” No one is perfect, and I’ve found they’re a bit more apt to tell the truth when you just go ahead and assume they’ve missed some doses.
Last week I had a patient tell me at the beginning of the visit she missed her meds about once a week. Then before I left the room I asked her if she needed any refills. She said, “oh yeah, I’ve been out of everything since before Christmas.”
Thaaaat’s what I thought.