Wayfaring MD: Missionary Physician

Holiday Medicine: Easter, circa 1977. 

My mother’s younger brother, known from here on out as The Most Accident Prone Person in the Universe, decided when he was a child that he didn’t feel like sitting through the long Easter Sunday service. So he skipped church with some buddies and went to play outside the church. There are several large live oak trees outside this church that have big roots coming up out of the ground, so the boys, being boys, were running around on the roots playing tag. 

My uncle, the MAPPU, tripped on one of these roots. He fell on an outstretched arm and heard a pop. Knowing that he would get in trouble for skipping church (and even bigger trouble if he went and got my grandparents out of church), he sucked it up and waited until church got out to tell my grandparents he had hurt himself. 

I’m pretty sure that after he was all casted up he got a big spanking for skipping church. 

Moral of the Story: If you skip church on Easter, be on the lookout for lightning bolts and tree roots. 

Holiday Medicine, Valentine’s Day 1999 edition. 

People do crazy things for love. Sometimes they even end up in the hospital. 

My dear granddaddy, ever the romantic, offered to trim the hedges around the house for my grandma. He climbed his 68 year old self up on a 6 foot ladder and proceeded to hack away at the hedges. And of course, the ground was uneven. He leaned the wrong way, the ladder tilted, and he fell off, landing on his tailbone. L1-L2 fracture. He had to wear a back brace for months

So, folks, please be careful in your attempts to woo your significant other today. Danger is everywhere…

Holiday Medicine: Christmas 2011

Yesterday, after having celebrated a year without any hospitalizations, my stepdad’s 92 year old mother fell and fractured the anterior ramus of her pelvis. She is now facing 8-12 weeks of nursing home rehab. My stepdad’s family wants her to go home and somehow magically do therapy from there, whereas the doctor (and my mom and I) keeps trying to tell them that the reason she fell in the first place was that she shouldn’t be living alone and that she needs nursing home care. 

Moral of the story: don’t celebrate too early. In old folks, the progression is often fall—> deconditioning —> pneumonia/heart failure/infection —> death. 

Note: this is not her x-ray. Hers looks pretty rough, though. Pretty significant osteopenia and a nice crunchy spot on the pubic bone. 

Holiday Medicine, Christmas 2001 edition.

I wonder if the incidence of heart attacks increases around Thanksgiving and Christmas from all the holiday feasting. There’s probably a study out there somewhere.

Anyway, on Christmas Eve 2001 (after a bit too much ham, I ‘spect), my granddaddy felt the elephant sit on his chest. 

He spent the day in an ambulance, driving four hours to a big city hospital where he would get his coronaries unclogged. He and my grandma had a delightful Christmas dinner of cardiac diet (no salt, no fat, no flavor) baked chicken and dry, flavorless pound cake. 

Moral of the story: everything in moderation, folks. 

Holiday Medicine, Christmas 2006 Edition

Imagine it: you’re watching an outdoor live nativity production. The spotlight narrows in on the baby Jesus in the manger, and then widens again to illuminate the heavenly host. The head angel stands at the manger, hands raised in blessing. Then the sleeve of her robe slides back and you see it: she’s covered in hives!

That little angel was my sister. It was her first second year in the live nativity (the first time she was 2 weeks old and played baby Jesus), and the first as an angel. As it turns out, she was extremely allergic to the tinsel that lined the neck and sleeves of the angel robes. 

After a bit of benadryl, she was ok, but her face and neck were itchy for days. It just goes to show you: no one is safe from holiday mayhem, not even the head angel.  

Moral of the story: when facing the possibility of being clad in tinsel, don an undershirt. 

Holiday Medicine, Christmas 2004 edition.

I usually help my grandmother decorate her Christmas tree. My granddaddy always wants one, but never wants to put in the work required to decorate it. As she and I were decorating, she kept complaining that her eye was itching. It kept on and on, but we looked and didn’t see anything in it, so she sort of just dealt with it. The next day, she woke up and her eye was still irritated, so she called her ophthalmologist. When he examined her eye with all his fancy equipment, he found a pine needle from the tree stuck in her eye. It wasn’t as dramatic as this picture (clearly, or we would have seen it), but it was definitely gross. I don’t know about y’all, but eye stuff creeps me the heck out. The only thing good that came out of the episode was seeing her wear an awesome pirate eye patch for a week afterward.  

Moral of the story: tree hugging is ok, except with evergreens.