Last week I wrote about finding purpose in life, and I mentioned that I am human and that I do have bad days occasionally, and I promised to elaborate later. Well now it’s later and here I am elaborating.
Let me start by saying
Everyone is insecure about something. We compare ourselves to other people and put ourselves down. We all handle this insecurity in different ways. Some people go with the “fake it till you make it” system, while others become perfectionists or gunners to try to overcome their insecurities. Then there are those who cave under the weight of their fears and become anxiety-ridden messes, and those who repress and hold in all those emotions until they suddenly run out uncontrollably like overflow diarrhea in a fecal impaction (that’s right, I went there with the poop metaphor).
So which type am I? According to my closest friends and my counselor, I’m the poop type. But I’m learning to be more regular (pun intended) about showing my emotions/frustration/insecurities.
recently I wrote an e-mail to a friend that contained the following:
Ugh, being a doctor is hard. I’m having a low confidence day today. The other intern at clinic with me is a freakin hoss. He has got this doctoring thing down. He’s calm under pressure, smart, and even worse, he’s a super nice guy who is good with his patients. My friend assures me he’s a freak of nature and he’s exceptionally good for an intern, but I don’t like it. I want to be the freak of nature. Patients and other residents like me because I’m a nice person. And that’s nice and all and I’m flattered, but I’d like to also be known as the one who knows what she’s doing.
That’s right. I admit it. I’m worried I wont be a good enough doctor. But guess what? Most everyone worries about this. The ones who don’t worry and think they’ve got it down are the ones who are really in trouble.
But my (very wise) friend reminded me that when I get insecure and compare myself to others, I’ve got the focus on the wrong person. It’s not about my skills or hoss intern’s skills. She said:
You are a child of Christ. Your identity is found in Him. And that automatically gives you worth. There is no esteem to be found in the self. There is esteem to be found in Jesus.
Even with superstar intern around the corner.